I’ve sampled the online dating realm. Multiple times. Thank you, array of iPhone apps, for the glorious social experiment. OkCupid fixed me up with a swell Harvard law graduate, and Match sat me down to coffee with a gorgeous fireman, apparently too gorgeous. I should have taken a step back when Tinder had me driving from Jackson to Birmingham to meet the guy from Chattanooga halfway. But I kept trucking along, determined to swipe right until something worked out. Bumble, the feminist version of Tinder in which girls have to make the first move, did finally make me slow down, and I didn’t make it past a little blasé cyber chatter. Which brings me to my point: guys should be asking girls out. In person. Period.
Online dating doesn’t make much sense. At 7 pm, you’re excited about grabbing drinks with Ryan, who sends the wittiest text messages and seems pretty cute in the motorcycle picture. By 10 pm, you’ve realized he wasn’t trying to be funny in those text messages, and the motorcycle picture was an optical illusion. And, to top it off, you’ve inherited his habit of responding to texts with ‘lolololol’ and just can’t quit. So you kick him to the curb, find someone else, get your hopes up again, and are back at disappointed and analyzing whether you overshared on a Wednesday night.
I don’t care if everyone else is doing it; online dating is the pits, and it must come to an end. Dudes, get off the couch and take some initiative. Put the Doritos down, skip the obscure Turkish soccer match, and venture into the world. Maybe even risk asking the pretty girl out, cuz she’ll probably buy you a drink just for having some moxie. As Philip Wegmann notes in his article Women Lose When Men Bumble, “cute girls will always be intimidating.” But what’s the worst thing that could happen? She says no thanks, your head remains unbitten off, and your manhood is intact. I think y’all male types can manage that, especially since the best thing that could happen is she says yes, and it’s all gravy from there.
And ladies, if you’re still wading through the online bros who love travel, the gym, and (drum roll please) adventure, as perhaps yours truly is, don’t give lazy guys a chance. If he doesn’t even attempt to start the online conversation, please ‘unmatch’ him and move on.
No man-hating session would be complete without chocolate. My cousin visited a couple of weekends ago, and to complement a Netflix binge we concocted a low cal chocolate pudding parfait. So instead of throwing your phone across the room when six-pack Nick hasn’t responded for 24 hours, channel that frustration into eating this:
CHOCOLATE PUDDING, BERRY, and GRAHAM CRACKER PARFAIT
(Servings: 2)
PUDDING:
Make 1 box of sugar-free, fat free instant chocolate pudding according to the instructions, with 1% milk. Use 1 cup of pudding in parfaits, and store the remaining cup for later use.
GRAHAM CRACKER CRUMBS:
Ground up two full graham cracker sheets in a food processor. Add 1/2 Tbs. of melted butter.
FRUIT:
Slice 1 cup of strawberries.
ASSEMBLY:
In two glass cups, layer pudding, graham cracker crumbs (use all of them), and whipped cream twice. Top with strawberries.
CALORIES per serving: (contingent on a sparing use of whipped cream!) 260
On food and life 
Right on baby girl!
The type of man women are longing for is coming, but he will come on his own terms, not on yours.